Almost blew it today. Had a panic attack (well more like a series of them) this morning but had a seminar to facilitate with students and had to somehow pull it together enough to do that. I kept having to go out to take deep breaths and walk for a while while they got on with tasks but it was incredibly hard to face them and try to keep up the brave face. Part of me was wanting to email a colleague who is supportive and tell her I was having a hard time but I always think I should be able to handle things myself and giving up is defeat and that I have to just be brave and face things so I didn't and in the end managed but it wasn't great and afterwards I was so drained, I had to tell my boss I wasn't feeling well and take a bit of time to recover (and now I feel I let too much out to her), then had other students to see.

Every day is like this to an extent but today was especially hard I think for several reasons, I got woken up early so my energy was low, I have a birthday next week and that always brings up thoughts of self harm, I went to a support group the other night and one of my students saw me there; all things that lower my defences. Plus I video'd a lecture yesterday and when I saw it was upset by how much of an idiot I look on camera. And I made a mistake due to forgetting something.