Quote:
Originally Posted by Arbie
Pretty much any time someone is rude to me, or takes advantage of me, or doesn't respect my boundaries, I will receive some variation on that advice. We teach people how to treat us. My mother once told me, after someone had been blatantly rude and mocking toward me, "I doubt anybody would have said that to me. You must be giving off some kind of signal that tells people it's OK to talk to you like that." I'm sure there is a grain of truth in there, although to me it sounds a lot like, "Even when the other person really did act like a butt, it's still your fault for letting them." What to do about it, that's what I'd like to know.
For the past several days on Facebook, I have not been free to express my own opinion without every demon in hell being unleashed on me. Understand, this doesn't only happen on Facebook. It can also happen in my own family. I've blocked a lot of people on Facebook, and I've gone no-contact with a lot of members of my family. I get so tired of that game where no matter what I say, somebody has to tell me I'm wrong, so they can come away feeling like they're smarter than me. It's not that I mind other people's opinions, or can't handle being disagreed with. It's that these things I posted, I got from other pages, and THOSE people weren't read the riot act for posting them. The argument didn't start until after I posted it on my page. (And then someone accused ME of trying to stir up drama.)
I passed along something my cousin posted on her page. The only response she ever got was mine, where I agreed with her. After it showed up on my page, however, all hell broke loose. At first I took it down off my page, because the argument got that ugly, but then I put it back up, essentially saying, "If you don't like it, tough cookies. This is my page, and I'll post what I want to." And I also ended up blocking a couple of people who were really nasty about it. After re-posting it, so far nobody has dared to comment. But they've also let me know that I'm making *them* feel like *they* don't have a right to an opinion.
And this morning, the same thing started to happen with something I passed along from my husband's page. Nobody chewed him out for posting it, but once it was on my page, again I started to catch it. I managed to nip that in the bud. I said I'm not taking it down this time, but I will show my page to my therapist, to illustrate how this keeps happening. My appointment is tomorrow.
So essentially, somebody else (cousin and husband in this case) can express an opinion, and nothing bad happens. I then express that very same opinion, word for word, and suddenly it's a topic for an exhaustive debate. Just once I'd like to say how I feel about something, and not have to vigorously defend myself afterward. My cousin and husband didn't have to. What's going on here? Is it a case of teaching people how to treat me? Or is it something else?
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Hi Arbie.
Wow. Ok. #1. It sounds like you have a lot of controlling people (who want to control you) in your life. Good for you for standing up for yourself on FB. And here's the thing. No, if you say to people, "this is my page, I want to post stuff for myself, without people spouting their opinions about it because that's upsetting to me" people need to freaking respect that. The fact that people aren't respecting that, and saying "well you just don't want me to have an opinion," are bad news, disrespectful, and if people like that were in my life, I'd consider dumping them. There's this thing called the "hide" button. And the "unfollow" button. Those people need to use it with your posts. The fact that these people don't care how you feel, in concerning, and says a lot about them.
#2. I'm sorry your mom said that to you over and over. While, yes, there is truth to the statement "you teach people how to treat you," your mom was doing it in an invalidating way. She wasn't hearing you or giving you what you needed to feel safe at the time you were talking to her. It reminds me of my own mother. When I was growing up, especially as a teenager, I'd go to her with concerns and upsets about people being mean or hurtful towards me, or even, just that I didn't like how someone said something. I was looking for reassurance, and validation. I did not get it. Ever. She would say "you have social anxiety and read situations wrong. the person you are talking about probably didn't mean it that way." That was wrong of her, incorrect, inaccurate, and invalidating. So, I can relate to what you have said.
For me, it interfered in my own emotional development as I was growing up and learning about people and social situations. It sucks. I wonder if what you experienced interfered with your development, in the sense, that it seems like an unresolved issue for you, you didn't get what you needed as a kid, and people still step all over you, which really, it does seem like you allow, even though thats not what you want.
And seriously, sometimes, people are just BUTTS. Or rub us the wrong way (and we don't have to put up with it). Like if someone has bad boundaries with us. Or doesn't respect our feelings on Facebook.
I wonder if you are having a hard time separating "we teach people how to treat us" from your mom. So you have negative connotations with that phrase. I'm like that with the word "happy," because someone who was very hurtful to me used that word with me. Maybe you can find a different sentence to use for yourself. Something that feels more empowering for you.
