I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. I'm afraid there's really nothing I can tell you about this. But I noticed no one had yet replied to your post. So I thought I would. Personally I don't think it would be unusual to be afraid of being with a guy you liked. It seems to me that's a pretty normal reaction. But, then, that's just my personal opinion. I'm not sure what I could suggest as an alternative to therapy. (I presume you've looked into any possible free or income-adjusted mental health therapy services that might be available where you live.)

I'm an old man now. But I've had a life-long struggle with gender identity disorder. And it has occurred to me, from time-to-time, that there might possibly be an OCD element to that too. I've seen a few therapists for brief periods over the years. But it never really amounted to anything. So what I have come to rely on to address my gender-identity-related thoughts, as well as other difficult memories & negative thoughts, is a practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding". It is a technique that comes out of the Buddhist tradition. However here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

May it be of benefit.