My Support Forums - View Single Post - What do I do when boyfriend and I can't agree on having kids.

Olive303 · 02:01 AM

Response to last comment by divine:

Of course I will argue when I am being misunderstood as I have been. I am clarifying information when I feel someone does not have a clear understanding of the situation. How can we move forward when someone makes a comment about my situation that is untrue? I NEVER said the stuff you posted below. Your are FABRICATING INFORMATION. I have been personally frustrated with YOU specifically DIVINE and I have no problem letting you know.

My responses to your comments are in blue.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I have to agree with rose. You came on here to ask for different opinions yet you reject and argue about every suggestion as well as finding excuses. It seems like you came on here to get encouragement to stay with this man and other opinions just upset and anger you.

I came here to 1. Think through this. 2. Write it out 3. vent. 4. Gain perspective (literally commented this on an earlier post where I put gaining perspective at the bottom of the list). If someone is misunderstanding what I am saying or something that has happened I will correct them.

Gaining perspective is part of why I posted but so is venting- that is healthy for me and helpful. No one is asking you to engage in the forum so if you feel I'm being argumentative you are welcome to leave. Not everyone is going to agree with you all the time and I have EVERY RIGHT to disagree with you, especially on the thread that I started regarding VERY PERSONAL information about my life. I know my situation better than anyone so when you fabricate information or assume things about me about it I WILL correct you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You seem to have lots of excuses for not accomplishing and not pursuing your dreams. First it’s because you don’t have any passions then because you are too upset over this man etc You also contradict yourself a lot.

When I first uprooted myself for my boyfriend I was 100% sure of which career I wanted to be in. I got a job in said career (my current job). I started masters degree applications, GRE classes, and attended informational sessions for schools furthering myself in this field. I started my job as a stepping stone in this career choice.

So I knew I would uproot myself to pursue my relationship WHILE pursuing my career at the same time. In the last FOUR months I realized this career path is not the one I want to go in. Honestly you are just being judgmental saying that I am not pursing my dreams/ making excuses. Sorry I need more than 4 months to discover what those are. Sorry I took a few weeks off from that to focus on my relationship. I am young and it is ok to not be sure of my career when I suddenly had a change of heart.

I have accomplished many of my dreams in the past and believe it or not living in another state was one of them, so moving was for me and him. I am the one who picked this state. I was really excited to move until I realized I don't like it. Just like I realized I don't like my career or may not be a good fit with my boyfriend. It has all hit me at once- it's not like I have been living like this for years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You think of not having kids because you want a career, yet not only you don’t have any passions or dreams you also don’t think it’s even reasonable to love a job.

I NEVER said that I don't want kids because I want a career. I NEVER said that I can't have a career and be a mom at the same time. To quote what I said exactly:

"not having kids means I can have more of an ability to focus on my career."

I am NOT saying that I can only have one or the other. I absolutely believe in having kids AND having a career at the same time. I even said in an earlier post how I would hate to be JUST a mom/ housewife and needed other things in my life. I also believe that if you have kids you MAY take some time off of work (like when you give birth). For me, if I had a newborn I would like to take some time off or work part time for a few years so that I can spend more time with my children. That is okay. It may not be the way you or your friends do things and thats okay but to say that I blatantly think it's one of the other is WRONG. Stop twisting my words.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You don’t want kids because you want to travel yet it doesn’t sound you can afford traveling as you have low paid job and it doesn’t sound like you two travel much at all etc etc You seem very confused and it’s ok but I just don’t understand why it’s such a priority to have this man if you are so unsettled in other areas of your life.

I 100% NEVER said I don't want kids because I want to travel. Go back and read my posts. I never said it was EITHER one or the other. I EVEN said I would want to share traveling with my kids if I had them. I simply said that if I were to not have kids I would fill my life with XYZ and more traveling was one of those things. I would ALSO travel if I had kids- probably less so because of the costs and time but I know it can happen and I would WANT to travel with kids.

Also I am very good at saving money and have been to 20+ countries so assuming I don't travel is another example of you just pulling things out of the air.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You aren’t pursuing your dreams because you are an immigrant, which is typically the other way around: finally being able to pursue your dreams if you could not before. You can’t pursue a career but you uproot yourself and pursued a man. So many confusions and contradictions in your life yet you want to decide now to marry this man?

I already clarified that I NEVER said "I am an immigrant and can't pursue my dreams". STOP PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH. My whole reason for mentioning my immigration status is to ask that you consider that there may be a different cultural perspective than your own into play that provide different perspectives on what "work" is. I even clarified this point in earlier posts and your are STILL twisting my words around. Saying that you and your immigrant friends love their jobs just degrades my personal experience. I am not you or your friends. I was raised with a different perspective.

I am very grateful for the opportunities I have been allotted that NO ONE in my family has been given. I am a first generation college graduate and that would have never been possible if I didn't immigrate here for a better opportunity. That was one of my dreams and I followed it and accomplished it. You are coming from a very PRIVLEDGED perspective to assume everyone is able to find a job they ALWAYS LOVE. Someone on here even said sometimes you can't leave or better yourself due to financial reasons. In addition to this adding the extra layer of the fact that I have been through war and came as a refugee so my "immigrant" may not look like your "immigrant". There are 195 countries in the world after all.

You say I am hell bent on arguing with people when in reality you are not accepting that maybe, just maybe someone might have a different viewpoint than you on working due to their previous life experiences, which are different than your life experiences.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why is having him is so important at 24? You said others marry young. Of course but many young people do know what they want (my nephews wife was 21 when they got married but she knows what she wants). You don’t know what you want and your life isn’t settled. Marrying this man isn’t going to magically fix everything.

Work on your life. Sure date him or others but why this rush to marry?

I am 100% aware that marrying him won't fix anything. (Another thing that I NEVER SAID). That is why I turned down his marriage proposal and have been saying for the last 20 pages how "not ready" I am for that decision. Not sure why you think it's okay to lecture me on this when if you look at the beginning of this thread YOU ARE THE ONE WHO asked me why he hasn't proposed yet and told me that if we have been together for 4 years I should "know by now" and then contradict yourself by lecturing me about not being ready.

Go back and read my posts and you can see how much you twist my words around. Who wouldn't be mad about this?