It is very much a matter of learning where to draw the line. Because if I speak up, I very often feel (whether I'm made to feel that way or not, I do feel it) that I am being unreasonable and overly demanding.


My daughter helped me sort that one out. A lot of them come from an old website we used to hang out at. It centered around a popular series of books, but there was a subforum for chit-chat, where you talk about your kids, job, pets, whatever, and another to debate hot-button issues like politics. I usually hung out in the chit-chat area, but a lot of them came from the hot-button area, and as daughter and I have deduced, that's just what they're used to. They see me post an opinion of any kind, and to them, it's open for debate. Hot debate. When all I was really trying to do was chit-chat.

Complicate matters with the dynamics among family, and at the day treatment programs I've been in, which I discussed with my therapist today. I just got home from that. When pretty much everything I've ever said and done is wrong and invalidated by somebody, eventually I'm going to get sick of it.

Here is the pattern. I can say something that's just so trivial, and even if it's a provable fact, it gets argued with.

"Anastasia was not a Disney movie."--"Yes, it was!" (It was a Fox project.)

"David Yost of the Power Rangers is left-handed."--"No, he's not!" (He is.)

"Vicki Lawrence sang The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia in the 1970's."--"No, you're wrong. She's an actress, not a singer." (She's both, and she did.)

Believe it or not, all of these conversations have actually taken place. Because those statements are all easily provable, my first instinct after getting these reactions is to prove it. Then when I do, family is going to be angry with me. "OK, Miss Know-it-all. You always have to be right. What does it matter, anyway? That's such a trivial thing to argue about." (But I'm not the one who started arguing, am I?) If it happens at one of those day programs, what I'm likely to get is a staff member smiling at me the way you smile at a toddler. "It means a lot to you to be right, doesn't it?"

Every choice I make is wrong. If I'm watching my carbs, I should be watching my fat intake instead. If I catch a cold, I should have done more to prevent it. I listen to the wrong music, watch the wrong shows, and wear the wrong style of clothes. So I finally get tired of it and speak up, and then it's, "What's the matter? Aren't other people entitled to an opinion too? Do you think you're perfect?"

If I teach people how to treat me, I'd like to teach them to leave me alone and let me be me.