I find... that I must post somewhere.. so great my pain... if I don't let some of it "leak" out... I am not sure.. what will happen... I am trying so hard to beat my eating disorder.. so.. the pain.. goes in this post..instead of a binge/purge....

I was surounded by angry people today... my physician... and her staff..it triggered all the horrible feelings from my past...

I feel so stupid... incompendent... horrible.. like I want to die from pure shame....

I am DID... and.. I just don't know.. how to manage it sometimes...and today... was one of those days... she was angry.. because.. I had gone to see an internist... and had requested a copy of my medical records...

It brings back... a flood of memories....

My ex-husband... so abusive... so angry... my college graduation... he so angry... begging.. him to go... the one time.. I actually wanted to do something.. to say.. "hey I made it".. despite everything "I made it"...and for me to have the courage to walk across and receive my diploma... meant.. that I really wanted this..I didn't go to my hs graduation.. or my other college graduation... no parties.. no.. nothing from my parents.....so I guess.. I just wanted this for me...

He went... I went.. we went to his brother's high school graduation... and the drinking began... and I could feel his anger just building all day...
The party was at his parents house.... he sat.. on the bed.. with his brothers... he had his brother's girlfriend in his lap... "carrying on"... and.. I just watched... and just... watched......

On the way home... I said something... I shouldn't have.. my stupidity... really my amazing... stupidity.... he backslapped me.. and my head bounced off the window... the night.. was the beating of my life... and.. all I can say... is my amazing stupidity.....

His... brother.. and I have remained friends.... when you share... the experience of your girlfriend.. and your brother... the pain.. is also shared...

I more... than... likely.. have posted this before.. please forgive me... it.. is my experience... as an alter... seen thru my eyes...