I have a family member who keeps in touch with me through phone calls, since we live on opposite sides of the country. It's been a pretty warm relationship that means a lot to me. The problem is that sometimes I get calls from this person when there's alcohol on board. She gets depressed and angry when inebriated and can unexpectedly turn quite belligerant. Sometimes we have long phone chats that start off fine. I get the impression that she's drinking, while she's on the phone, and I notice that her speech changes and her mood shifts and her conversation takes a turn in a dark direction. The best thing, I've found, is for me to try and wind up the conversation and end the call before it gets darker. It's like dealing with Dr. Jekyll, as he drinks the serum, and turns into Mr. Hyde. The change in personality can be that astonishing and happen that quickly.

Recently, I just didn't catch on quickly enough. Ironically, she was telling me about a falling out she recently had with another relative. She even admitted that her drinking had been a factor in that situation and seemed to regret it. At this point, I noticed her speech getting slurred. Next thing she was ranting about how she was offended by me over something that had happened five years ago. It was drunken nonsense. I tried calming her down. If you've ever tried calming down someone who's drunk and agitated, you can guess how that went. Finally, I said, "Call me when you are not drinking." and I hung up. Since then, I've blamed myself for not handling things better. I tell myself that I could have said something different, or that I should have just listened and said nothing.

This has happened before and blown over. I don't know how much she even remembers the next day. So I may hear from her eventually . . . or not. Once she went a year not talking to me. I tried calling her last night, but no answer. Sometimes she becomes remorseful for her behavior. I don't know how she's going to process this.

I'm sad because this is a person who is dear to me. I've never criticized her drinking. The main problem doesn't seem to be that she is all that heavy a drinker. Rather it's that her personality changes so drastically when she drinks. Plus, she has demonstrated anger-control problems, even when not drinking. There are no lonstanding issues between us to cause hard feelings. That's the sad part. Basically, there's always been a fundamental warmth.

I'm depressed about this. I thought I had decided a few years ago that, if this happened again, I would just avoid contact with her and give up on trying to maintain the bond. However, the timing of this happening is awful. I'm barely coping with caring for my boyfriend who has been very ill and just got diagnosed with cancer. I guess I'm not worth any consideration.