Until recently, writing.

Now that writing seems to have fled, I don’t know. I’m in a depressive state, now, after having lived in a prolonged life-sustaining period of mania.

My experiences here over the past 4-5 months have led me to question my worth, my worthiness. Not because of other users but because of the very structure of the website. I believe that ‘worthiness’ — self-worth/ego — goes to the heart of your question. I think that it’s what we find worthy in ourselves (even if the worth is other people) is what keeps us alive, what gives us the courage to function, to live a life that is something more than functioning.

Given my physical maladies (coupled with this new depressive episode) I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to function. I’m frightened. I’ve a bit of pneumonia in my lower left lung, edema despite my diuretics, and the middle finger of my left hand is dying. I’m no stranger to gangrene but I certainly don’t find it life-affirming.

I can answer your question, though, by saying that it is my overwhelming fear of death — of ‘nothingness’ — that keeps me going through the minimum necessities of living. But I’m losing interest, lately. Maybe it’s time to die. If that’s the case, I’ve no argument to present.