Therapy today was very difficult, I found myself sitting and saying "I don't know again." First she whipped out the letter I had sent and reviewed parts of it directly. I about DIED. I guess she was just letting me know that what I choose to share either verbally or in writing WILL be talked about openly. No hiding behind the pen so to speak. Hard lesson to learn--but maybe necessary.

Any way at one point I said I felt like crap because I was not able to care for my husband the way he wants me to. I feel like I'm not being a compassionate caring wife. I said I often times know what he wants from me but that I just can't seem to get my self to provide it. My T said, why don't you try to provide the things you think he wants. She assigned that to me for he next few weeks. Give him everything he wants and see if it help him feel better and me feel better. I wanted to just jump out and choke her.

I came home from therapy and was greeted with moaning and groaning. I can't do it! He is so needy and it is driving me nuts. The last two days he thinks he is incredibly ill and is dying. He as a 99 degree fever and has been in lying in bed both days. He's been taking his temperature a billion times a day, inspecting his fem incentively, hacking and spitting in every toilet, sink, and trash can in the house (yet still continues to smoke 2 packs a day). To make things worse for me he asks me repeatedly why I think his hips and back aches and his legs feel weak when he walks. I can't win in answering these questions. If I say 'I don't know lying around all day will make you stiff, achy, and tired'-- he gets pissed because I am insensitive to his pain. If I say 'I don't know maybe you have a cold or an infection'--he then starts worrying about what it could be and starts talking if he should go to the doctor.....I can't f'ing win.

I could barely breath in my session today but now I just want to explode. How am I suppose deal with this? Is this what a loving wife deal with on a daily basis and enjoy being able to provide TLC? Is my T just trying to get me to go insane?