Dear T,
While searching for something else (professional) in my e-mail, I came across a couple from the last year I was seeing ex-T. And wow, the way I wrote to her, some of the lines seemed so...almost submissive? Like "I feel a bit like a kid confessing to her mom something bad she did" (regarding e-mails/texts to...I guess he's now ex-MC?) and "I really hope you're not annoyed with/mad at me for sending a long e-mail. I understand if you would be."

I feel like my e-mails to you (OK, maybe not the first month) are so different in tone. Like, OK, there's probably some paternal (and maybe erotic) transference going on...but I don't feel that sort of submissive thing, that "I know I deserve for you to be mad at me." Yeah, I was worried about that with my telling you about watching the video, but it was just...different somehow. I don't know how to explain it.

And I had the realization the other day that I think, deep down, I realized that ex-MC was going to ultimately hurt me. And that's why I needed so much reassurance from him, and why it never seemed to hold for long. And, sadly, I was right.

I shouldn't be thinking about all this 2 days before my big interview, but there it is. Maybe in some way realizing that will help me to let go? Both of ex-MC and ex-T? (Thinking I'll postpone the discussion till the Thursday session, unless I need that to mourn the fact that I botched the interview so badly I'll never be able to show my face at that school again.)

For whatever reason--maybe your clearer boundaries? the fact that you consistently respond compassionately to the occasional distress e-mail, and within 24 hours? The seeming lack of countertransference, at least so far? Something else?--but I feel safer with you. I mean, maybe part of it was your sharing the story of your former client who stole to stone from your office, but I don't think I would have felt OK asking for a transitional object from either of them. And of course I'm scared to ask you and may need to hand you a printout of the request instead of saying it, but still.
Love you,
LT

PS: I think on my hypothetical "Come on, music seriously has never done anything for you? Then listen to this! It will change your mind!" mix tape for you, I need to include U2's "Ultraviolet," which is playing right now. Just...gorgeous. "Baby, baby, baby, light my way." That seems kind of therapy-appropriate, aside from the whole "baby" part... (I could replace the "baby" with the nickname I have for you, and it would scan in terms of rhythm, but you don't know about that--though I suspect it would just amuse you--and of course I can't post it here).