How about just giving your H some simple, reflective empathy statements. Not sympathy or how to fix his problems, but empathy. For example, when he complains about his back, just say, "it sounds like your back has really been hurting you." That's it, nothing more. It makes the person feel heard, and you're not lying, because you're not expressing sympathy when you really don't feel any. See if he likes the empathy statements. Many times, they are enough and don't take too much out of us to give them.

I agree with Perna on the doctor visit. If he goes to the doctor who says nothing is wrong with him, then maybe this will help him move on.

I wouldn't tolerate the constant spitting in every handy receptacle. How gross and unsanitary and just plain bad manners. Yuck.