It is ironic isn't JustBen. When I read what others go through it rips my heart out as I want to so badly take the pain for all of you. And to help someone else is what I have always wanted to do. And it is very hard to see this going on for others as I care for many deeply in this forum. And it is odd that I can speak from the heart to people here, its sincere yet I don't hold any of this for myself. As I don't feel worth more than what is happening now. I wish I had the magic to take away pain and suffering for everyone. I would take it, feel it, see it, and that would be okay. Then for once I would be useful in helping others. I would take it with no seconds thoughts. Just holding the knowledge to take pain away from others would be the biggest gift of life.

alliecat: Right now thats how I feel. I am not wanting to let go of this as there are worse things hiding beneath this illness. These "things" are killing me inside so I keep them down so deep. Yet obviously I am kidding myself as I am allowing all of this to destroy me and everyone that cares and loves me. It is so strange how this works. Lately, in all honesty, I want it to defeat me. And thats so sad to say but everything is coming full force and I am breaking away. I feel like its kicking me, leaving such wounds that I pray for death. As much as that may sound selfish and it is......its my thoughts and feelings. I mean I had posted about 10 minutes ago, not knowing how to feel as there are so many different feelings rushing through.....and now I once again feel hopless and despair.

OHHH crap. The phone just rang but I did not make it. It was my doctor (called display). Oh my God, my blood work. I am so screwed. Okay, now I am in tears. Please help. What am I going to do? I am so scared. Someone hold me, I am falling apart. Now what, do I call back?

Okay, I am going to go calm down here. I am okay, got to settle here and think.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone for following me with all of this. I am a lucky person to have u all.

I will let u know after I think what to do.....

Justy