So I've posted a few times recently that I can't cope and I don't want to live . I got alot of support from you all and thank you for that . One of the things I mentioned was that I stopped taking my medication . Well I took everyone's advice and I made myself take my meds today .

So now I'm going to be brave and talk about what's really going on with me.
I stay at home all the time because I can't face people seeing me . I am alone and extremely depressed . I have borderline personality but to me it feels like I have severe long term depression. I have basically been depressed since my teenage years . I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder yet I am overweight . When I was a teenager I was anorexic , now I can't seem to stop eating . There does seem to be psychological reasons around me and food . My physical health is getting bad because of my weight . But my depression is also worse because of my weight and how I look and how people judge those who are over wieght . I barely go out because of my depression and because I am ashamed of my weight but when I last sent to my mum's to house sit , I was leaving in a taxi because I am to anxious to be around people in public transport , well one of her neighbours shouted out the window at me to go on a diet which only confirms to me that I shouldn't be seen in public and that I should continue to hide from the world .

I am too depressed to look after my children . I can't take care of myself so how can I take care of them ? What kind of life would they have living with me ? They are both teenagers. I am worried about both of them . My younger daughter is 13 and lives with my mum . She can be naughty . My mum keeps saying she can't cope with her . My older daughter is 16 and has autism . Her dad is saying he can't cope with her . I love them so much and I am so upset and worried . If I wasn't sick I could take them both with me. Now I am angry with myself for being ill . If I was well none of this would be a problem. There for it is all my fault . My daughter's do come and stay with me some times . I cook for them and watch movies for them but don't take them anywhere because I can't do that . They love me and I love them . I am more depressed because both the people they are living with keep saying they can't cope . How can I fix this when I can't even look after myself or face going out ? They both have the same dad . But he put my younger daughter in care after she said to social services that his gf hits her . I tried to get custody but my mental health was an issue so she went to live with my mum but she is naughty to my mum and my mum can't cope . And he can't cope with my older daughter because of her needing extra support because of her learning disabilities and his work .
I hate myself so much . I don't know what to do . If only I could get better then everything would be ok .