Thank you for the suggestions, I'll try them out. I am just such a shallow person. I'm supposed to love him and want to care for him when he needs me. What's wrong with me? I do and say the right things, but inside I'm going nuts. He wakes up at night and thrashes around until I wake up and ask him "Are you OK?" or "Can I do something for you?" Inside I'm thinking stuff that would not clear the censors. I feel like he just wants to share his misery so everyone sees how tough he has it.

As for going to the doctor. I'm sure he'll end up going at some point this week. His medical file has got to be a foot thick. He doesn't know what to do for him either.

I know my attitude is really bad at this point. Why can't I just give him what he needs? I can provide it so easily to my kids and I enjoy giving it to them; encouragement, hugs, kisses, coddling all the things they need to feel safe, loved, and cared for. But I can't transfer it to my husband at this point. I know its not all me, but some of it IS me. For some reason I can't just leave.

At the moment I am feeling like I want to explode. I feel like I'm on the verge of withdrawing again and I don't want to do that to my kids.