Sorry about that. Okay, I called my doc back.

Blood work is not good. I have to go in tomorrow. So I sat and cried for a few minutes then called my t. I lucked out once again, his appointment did not show up. So we talked for about 15minutes. He asked me to do an experiment tonight with food. I won't get into all the details but he said that I need to make my point clear with my doc. I have been trying different stragies. Does not always work but am finding other thing to be distracted with. So this one I am trying tonight, if it works, could be a good tool in helping my doctor understand that I am trying.

Like my t said, he is a doctor and what he decides to do with it, I don't have the power to change this. If he certifies me, I can't stop him and it won't make it easy for me as I have nobody to take my kids. My t said that my doctor and everyone else involved need to realize that I am using this ED as a coping skill. It has worked up until my medical health has become in severe danger. So we have to work together (my t and I) to find new ways that won't risk my health and well being. And this takes time. So he said in my defense, I have been working on these things already. And some of it has helped. Nobody can expect miracles over night. I will fall....self harm can not just be taken away with nothing to replace it. He said that is too much to ask anyone to do. It is not reality.

So if I can convince my doc that I do know that my health is not good but am attending my sessions with my t, that eventually things will look different. My thoughts will become more positive and will start to heal the hurt. I can't lie to my doctor. I know the suicidal thoughts are strong. But as I said before, I am still here. My only really big fear is if its my kidneys: there is nothing I can say, he will admit me. But if thats the case well I don't have a choice as they can't just ignore it and let me die.

So with all of that said: Who will come with me? Just kidding. Wish ya could though. I am a turtle not wanting to come out.

I am really sorry for the last post. I freaked out when I saw the number on my phone. But in reality: what it is, it is. I can't change my blood work, it does not lie. I am thinking I will take a sleeping pill tonight. Whenever I am nervous about something, I can't sleep. And I just got a new presciption.

Talk again soon....thanks again all. Take good care and have a good night.

Justy