Kaika,

A couple things really struck me in your post. You are calling what you wrote in your journal as a child "lies". That felt really harsh to me, especially given how young you were. Perhaps what was really going on was something else. Perhaps you were writing a fantasy life of sorts, one with a puppy who would make you feel loved and needed? Were you lacking these things as a child? Perhaps that's why you repeated it numerous times? Perhaps you really needed to express in some way that your father -- or someone else -- was neglecting your need for the joy and love that getting a puppy would show? Is any of this sounding familiar to you? Some of it at least?

I feel like you are being awfully hard on yourself, looking back on yourself as a child years later. It's almost like you are trying to give that little child adult capabilities to stay truthful. Children at age 10 do "bad" things, like telling lies like this, as a reflection of other things going wrong or lacking in their lives. The "why" is more important than what you did. Try focusing on what was going on in your life at that time, what you had or what you lacked. Either way, don't beat yourself up over childhood behavior. You're not a bad person. You were only a child.

Regarding your brother ... I doubt you are making this up or "warping" things very much. The memory keeps coming back to you and you haven't been able to dismiss it. Plus, it's very specific. Please understand that children often suppress or "forget" traumatic memories and feelings. It's a defense mechanism. The memories and feelings can return years later when your psyche is ready to address them. When that happens, you need to address them and work to heal from the lingering pain. Denying them just because you used to tell "lies" will not help you to heal. Trust your feelings -- they are telling you something. Focus on your feelings and you will know your real truth.

I am also struck by the possible connection between your journaling "lies" and focusing on violence with your brother. You have posted these together. They probably belong together. What it tells me is that your brother, behaving the way he did at such a young age, was possibly being physically abused. Did you witness this? That would feel very unsafe for you, especially as such a young child. Feeling that unsafe could have driven you into a fantasy existance to find a sense of safety -- thus, the recurring puppy fantasy.

Hope I'm not too off base in this. I'm inferring a lot. But my hunch is your life was very hard as a child -- mine was, and I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote.

Hope these thoughts or observations are helpful. If not, I still wish you well, of course.

mtd