Crap! There are so many things wrong with me. Does someone here ever tasted what is like to feel normal (meaning not being mentally ill)?
I try to uncodify others so I can get a more clear picture of what is living like for a normal person. I never had a decent social life and I can feel how people don't feel comfortable around me... I push people away. It's such a hard balance. But if they knew....
I want to absorb their happiness and their love for life, I try, but I am a happiness sucker, talking to me is the recipe for having a boring conversation. It amazes me how others can do it, having casual conversations like breathing. I don't know how to do it, I am too serious or too silly and childish.
I feel left aside, and yes I am the one who does that to myself.
I care so little about life. But it amazes me what is a human suppose to be like. It's a bulshit, and noting this abyss makes it worse. I wish I knew how to behave like you, but I never learnt.
They must feel life inside.

I feel like benzos do wonders for me even so. I imagine if one day I could control my social anxiety and my self doubt and constant imagined disapproval and abandonment the indifference about life would change, but I can't forge real connections and get over my fears if I have nothing to connect to.