I am not sure if what I have is actually a condition or something that everyone experiences for time to time. I am going to therapy regularly and I've found a therapist that really fits me. Lately I have been thinking about trying out medication, but I am really not sure if I am "bad" enough and whether... well what I have is actually a mental illness. I mean... I do have some issues that are a bit complicated for me, but I am not if they are bad enough to fit any diagnosis at all. And I don't want to go the doctor's office feeling like a fool for wasting his time while I might not be as bad as others in the need of his help.

I took medication for a brief period of time 3 years ago and at that time I felt like it really helped me. Back then I had been taking it for anxiety, but I think that now the issue has gone from severe to mild.

I have been having issues with something that seems like a depression, but I am not really sure if I can call it that way. It's a long term issue that has been here ever since I was a teen and I think I've found my copying mechanisms to deal with it more or less effectively, but I feel like it still has negative impact on my life.

The thing is... I am not depressed all the time. Most of the time I just feel apathetic, I have low self confidence, that comes with shyness and trouble to experience positive emotion. Mostly, I just feel like I shouldn't care, I lack motivation and drive, but I do not feel sad. The biggest trouble for me is that I am so prone to negative thinking and experiencing bad feelings, that I rarely feel happy and if I do for a very brief moment, I almost immediately slip right back to apathy or sort of a...gloomy mood.

Then there are days, when I feel really sad and melancholic, but they are fewer. Usually I just feel grief, meaningless and emptiness that tend to get so big and overwhelming, it leads to anxiety. If this state doesn't turn into anxiety, it usually turns into thoughts about suicide, but I know I'd never really do it. I have these states about once in two weeks, sometimes once a week. Sometimes it lasts for days, or a week and sometimes it's just a bad evening and the feeling goes away in the morning.

Then I have days when my mood is actually good and elevated and I am able to experience joy and happiness, but those states are rare. But I can't definitely say that I would feel ****** all the time, I mean there are bright and nice moments in my life. The good mood usually lasts for a few days if I'm lucky, but it's nothing too extreme. I just feel fine I guess.

I wouldn't say that my moods are extreme, they're usually quite subtle and internal, but the depressive one can be very intense. But since I don't feel like that all the time... I just don't know. I am not sure if I should take medication or not. Or if I should visit a doctor, because I think that my state isn't all that bad.

Can I call this a depression? Or can I call this is mental disorder at all? Should I take medication?