I don't know if I'm just stubbornly refusing to do things for myself to get better or so mired in depression that I just can't claw my way out, but I give up. I f-ing give up.

I tried getting a haircut professionally, which led to buying and throwing away scissors, razors and shaving cream in an ocd frenzy, which I don't expect anyone to understand but it sucks.

I went out with my family on Sunday but couldn't really participate because of the baby which led to everyone thinking I was miserable, which I was and wished I had stayed home. I am not going geocaching anymore.

I followed T's advice to find something to do out of the house, which led me to wasting someone's time asking about piano lessons, going to said lesson, only to change my mind because I feel too guilty leaving the baby and spending money on myself. So I've already put an end to it, citing that my baby is too young to leave. And my mom, who was excited for me, just iced me out on the phone when I told her it's not gonna happen. No understanding there.

So I just f-ing give up. Trying to change leads to failure and frustration for me. I don't even know why I am in therapy, other than I have to be in order to be prescribed medications. I feel like dirt right now. I don't know what place there is in this world for someone who is depressed but unable/unwilling to help themselves. People seem to just give up on you when you can't pull yourself out of the hole. That is okay. I am used to being alone anyway. f them all. I am sorry for being so crass. I just really needed to vent.