The office of my therapist feels like a safe place to be, but my mind still controls very closely what I say. Nearly every week I bring in notes or results of what I need to discuss in the order that I plan to discuss them. Those notes form the basis of my lines, and I don't go off-script.

In social situations my mind shuts down as the anxiety gets me flustered, so it's nice to have those notes on hand. It's pretty awkward sitting across from someone trying to speak when your brain won't work.

But truth be told, I think I have grown to see the paper I bring in as a barrier I can hide behind. Throughout the session I hold it in front of me like a shield, I fuss with it for momentary distractions, and I know when I go in that I just have to regurgitate what I've written on it. The notes become the focal point of the sessions allowing me to take the backseat, only sharing what was jotted down. I'm showing up for the sessions but I'm not really there.

Perhaps I should be going more frequently so that I don't have the time between sessions to create so many notes. That way I wouldn't feel like I need to pack everything into our time constraints. It may provoke more off the cuff discussion.