First of all I hear your pain. I’ve been there.

Maybe you need to stop fighting and accept yourself as you are right now. “I’m acting like a self destructive mess.” You soul or spirit or whatever you believe is in there somewhere, hiding behind these behaviors. That voice is quiet and gentle and you can’t hear it right now.

Sometimes just a teeny tiny change in perspective can set us on a path to healing. Maybe you could try reframing your belief that you “are” a self destructive mess to you are “acting” like a self destructive mess. It’s not the real you. You feel pain and sadness right now. If you saw a friend feeling that way you would feel sad too. But hopefully you would love them anyway. Try to find a tiny spark of love for yourself.