Wow, there is a lot of pain in your email. It sounds like you don't feel very valued and cared for right now. I hope your T can see to the hurt and feelings of rejection that underlie that anger; and I hope you can, too. I think you wouldn't be so angry with your T if you didn't want your T to care about you.

I can certainly understand lashing out in anger the way that you did. I did that with my T a time or two in the past, too. Sometimes it's just such a painful experience that it seems unbearable.

I hope that you and T can work past this rift, though. The power of your anger, and your sorrow, shows that you have the potential to have a very strong bond with T.

Yes, T's are professionals and they have to keep boundaries for our safety and for their own as well. I am confident that your T does care for you as a person, and probably wishes she knew how to soothe your pain better. The work that T's do is incredibly hard, day in and day out. They do become attached to clients and it's a frightening experience when a client is in danger of hurting him or herself.

I've not been a T, but I'm a case manager, and I know for me it's hard to know the best thing to do. Do I give them space? Do I come in closer to offer more support? Do I just sit with them in it? Do I try to talk them through it, or out of it? Do I call the police to keep them safe? Or will that just anger them? I always ask them for a promise that they'll be safe first, and if they'll promise that, then I trust them. Sure, I ask for that promise in part so that I feel better about it... but I only feel better about then it because I care about them and don't want them to die. I know that if my clients promise me they won't hurt themselves, there is a good chance they won't.

Just some food for thought. I am sorry you're in so much pain I hope I didn't overwhelm or say too much.

Please take gentle care, and cradle and soothe yourself the best you can.