Soon as I arrived to T today I brought up the incident.
She seem non plused by it.
I then felt myself being triggered, she asked me to try to put it into words.
I told her I'm not sure it's her sitting there.
She asked "who is sitting here then?"
That made me angry and then I said I didn't trust her and need to observe her before I answer.
T said "so you started of frightened for me safety and now I'm the dangerous person?"
I told her, I guess so. But it feels safer seeing you as the danger"
T said because you know how to protect yourself from dangerous people but feel I can't.
She added, like as a child when your mother couldn't protect herself or you.
As soon as she said that I was in that place as a child when one of the many traumas hapoened and I was feeling I was back there. I was feeling the feelings of being all alone and unprotected and also afraid for my mother's safety.
It felt sooooooo bad.
I was fighting back tears.
T said, you look upset.
Then she said, your nose is bleeding.
I think it was the pressure of rembering just how bad things felt been as a child.
Then the feeling of being worthless came to me.
All the pieces of how I react /feel today came together.
I told T that my mother also dying without wanting to contact me added to that. How my brother who was adopted with! And choosing not to let me know if her death when it happened added to that.
T said, yes you felt worthless but that doesn't mean you are worthless.
I said, but what's the point if I've got no back story that can support me in the here and now.
T said, well. I don't think your always in that place now, but when triggered all those things that went wrong attach to whatever is happening now. If you'd have the early support they wouldn't feel so threatening.
As she said that, I realised I'd been experiencing T as my mother and was afraid she will fall apart with what she had going on. But as she had a better start in life, her reactions as nd responses come from a secure place.
Is mine that doesn't.