Hello,

I hope there are some who are able to help me understand the differences between a mentally ill mind and non-mentally ill mind. It is becoming more important to me than ever that I understand normalcy. I understand the term 'normal' is rather abstract, but I have to know what *it* is.

I have schizophrenia, anxiety, night terrors, depression, and obsessive thinking. Really everything falls under the broader term schizophrenia, but I want to be precise. I have lived with these things my entire life. My first psychiatric assessment was at age seven. In my late 20s, and now into my early 30s, things have gotten much worse.

After several in-patient hospitalizations, 18 courses of electro-convulsive therapy, and changes in my medication profile, I feel different. I am more stable than before, but there are still periods that aren't good. The main thing is, my mind is quieter. I don't hear the voices anymore, and I don't know if that is normal or not. Because I don't hear them anymore, I find myself doing mental math, like squares and times tables. I don't know if this is normal. I repeat gestures with my thumb and fingers, counting in patterns. I don't know if this is normal. I still have racing thoughts, and doing these things helps to ease them. I feel different, but I don't know if it's 'normal.' Finally, even though I guess things are better, I want to go back - stop taking my medications, and hear the voices again. It's weird. Without them, I feel alone. I don't know if this is normal.

So, my hope is that someone can help me understand where I am right now. Am I experiencing normalcy? How do I know if these different feelings I have are the feelings I am supposed to have?