Good evening everyone. I was released from inpatient treatment today! So glad because I was getting so annoyed with some of the people there. I was at a hospital I had been to before but hadn't been to in a long time. It has a mixture of severely ill, psychotic people and higher-functioning people. It was hard to tolerate some of the severely ill people, especially with my own agitation.

So basically I got my meds tweaked a little bit. For the first two days I just laid in bed and cried. On the third day my body was hurting from that stupid flat *** mattress, so I decided I better get up. By Monday my mood was on the upswing and I was highly agitated. Why, you ask? oh, because the IP facility could not get my rexulti for me and so just made me quit cold turkey and didn't give me a replacement AP. Yeah, thanks for that. By Monday my paranoia had returned; I couldn't leave my plate of food alone to get a drink because I was afraid someone would poison it while I was away, and I couldn't have anyone behind me; I was looking constantly for people behind me and freaking out internally because I was sure someone was going to attack me, I just didn't know who. Thankfully when I told the doctor this he put me on good old Haldol. Now I take five mg of haldol twice a day, along with 1000mg depakote and 100mg lamictal.

The trouble I'm having is that my vision is blurry. I was on cogentin for side effects and I know this causes blurry vision in me, so I'm praying it's only that. The last time I was on Lamictal I had blurry vision as well, but I was also on cogentin at the time. So i'm praying, praying, PRAYING it's not lamictal. The lamictal is really helping and I just can't handle having to go off of it and find something else. I can't remember how long I've been off the cogentin; it's possible that it's only been a day or two. I don't know if it leaves your system immediately or if the side effect might take a few days to go away. Please send good vibes that it is NOT lamictal.

So in summation I am feeling better but still kind of fragile. I got an email from my principal saying he needs to meet with me tomorrow, along with my supervisor and a building rep for the NJEA. I know that means I am being fired. At first I intended to finish out my contract as it's only seven weeks; however now with this fragility I feel it would be detrimental to me to work at the moment. I don't know how this would work with insurance. I may lose it as of April 30th. Which means I can't go for outpatient treatment. My grandmother might be able to help me pay for cobra for a month or two, however. So that might be ok. We will see. I am kind of feeling like a failure. I'm kind of feeling like I'm no good at anything and will not be able to find another job, much less actually handle working. I know I need to take a couple of months off at the very least to make sure the med combo is doing its job.

So yes, I am better, but I am not completely well. But I know that will come with time.

Thanks for your continued support everyone. It really means a lot that I have this community to come to in times of need.