I need to get things sorted in my head so i hope you don't mind me posting, i don't like posting too much because to be honest you'd just hear the same old stuff over and over again and besides most of the time i feel that my words are nothing in comparison to what other people are feeling.
Actually i'm pretty useless all round really on this forum, i don't post much and i can never find the words to reply to many people. But i do read all the posts...haha if that means anything??!

I've got my 2nd appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it to be honest. My main concern is that she will not take me seriously. I often appear to be 'fine', if i'm having a good day, or even just with authority figures or anyone older than me i immediately become extremely polite and defer to their 'all knowingness' - which i know is silly considering my age but it is the way i've been brought up. But this gives me problems when i'm talking to the dr as i have the 'you seem sensible, logical girl'.**groan** i hate hearing those comments! It is like getting the '...is a conscientious student' remarks on end of yr reports at school. I was nothing more than hard-working, ha never had a talent, or a passion....Don't get me wrong, i know it's great to be sensible and i feel blessed with logic but the thing is i'm not always logical! I've gotta say i'm sometimes rather indulgent with my emotions, if i have a fuzzy cloud time i'll always try to give myself a bit of time to wonder at it.

This is my problem to be honest. I don't understand my emotions. There is no reason for my mood swings most of the time. Obviously i realise stress is a big trigger for me but sometimes i worry that i am letting myself have these emotions. But then i don't think i am really self-destructive, if i'm having a low time i can indulge and pull out by the next morning.

So these low times are very difficult for me. I say i indulge but i also do not. I often also push everything away so i don't deal with it. A good coping mechanism i think but also one that means that sometimes i just cannot connect with my emotions. I will have days where i literally feel nothing, when people realise i'm quiet they will ask me how i am and i respond with fine because i do not feel bad, not really. I feel nothing. I simply exist during these times, its like i am a shell of myself, my body and me do not connect nor want to, i don't think.

Having come through a severe suicidal stage about 4 months ago, i have been through the overwhelming scarring of seeing that bottomless pit (i pray i will never go back there!), then i went through apathy which i was rather 'content in (for want of a better word!) but i had to stop thinking like that because my parents were being upset and i don't want to let them down, and also if i'm going to live i might as well live as best i can.

So now i'm in the ok stage, thoughts are turning to other things like work, thinking about doing things in the evening...even planning to do things with friends! So prehaps i'm getting better - i think everyone would agree with this BUT my problem is i've been in this stage before....i'd ramble along trying to make my life into something, trying to be as active as possible and then CRASH! Something happens and i am lost. My mood decides to flip up or down. The anger is the worst, it makes me rage, my thoughts go wild but being 'sensible' i only display it in controlled ways. I will specifically sit down, organise everything and then cut. It isn't uncontrolled, it just is. Which is embarrassing to admit as you'd think if i could control this then i could display it in a positive way like writing down my feelings. But i don't know what to write, there is no reason for my anger, it just is so all i can write is - anger!

Mmm....i think i am embarrassing myself i am talking about how controlled and ok feeling i am yet still pondering what to tell the dr tomorrow. Am i ok??? Is this the path to recovery?? For some reason it does not feel like it, prehaps because i am fearful of things that have happened before but also i feel nothing has changed, my moods flip like this normally, if anything the ADs have just brought my mood up from suicidal to normal flipping again. All good yes....but also extremely frustrating because i have lived like this for so long - the battle is in my head, noone really sees it so i wonder if it is actually there. Or just me making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess i could tell the pdoc all this but to be honest i know i'll joke a lot of it off, and make it better than it is. Another good coping skill again but seriously screws me over at times...

mmm....sorry this is so long. Random thoughts everywhere - just trying to pin them down and get them all organised.