I have the thought that I will spend the rest of my days living with my son in this regressive, disappointing space. I am in constant daily pain with my shoulder. It wraps around the front now, unlike previous times I've had this recurrent shoulder blade and neck pain. That pain in the front reminds me that I have been diagnosed with lung cancer and live with the ever present circumstance that it could come back at any time.

Then I spend too long on lung cancer forums... is it better to spend more time on a bipolar forum? I hope at least the change of scenery will do me good. I can stop thinking that I will spend the rest of my life in this circular pattern of re-enacting behavior that my son is locked in to. i might just have to tell him to leave. He may well call the police and say I am crazy and . need to be locked up. Then he might try to get control of all my finances by declaring me incompetent... I wouldn't put anything like that past him if he were desperate enough and running out of money. I don't think his inclination is to be so aggressive but if he gets angry he can actually believe he is doing the ethical thing. I've had enough of the police coming to my house and literally . breaking down my front door. So three pillars of safety have been stripped from my life "freedom from disease, freedom from mental disorder, and freedom from police intimidation and persecution?

Now i have the fourth, freedom from harassment in my daily life. I don't like to listen to myself being referred to as a *****. Now wonder i feel upset.

Edited to add: I was just upstairs trying to do the obvious thing just before 10 am and ask him to set his own alarm for tomorrow morning so I won't be upstairs trying to wake him up again. It gets off each morning to a bad start. He is not wanting to wake up and I am angry and disappointed he just is wasting his life doing practically nothing useful all day. He is much more productive if he will simply get up in the morning.