Ah, I think I see. My husband is 65 this August and has health problems including being 150 or so pounds overweight and I'm about 125 pounds overweight. He smokes and would live on cheese hotdogs if I'd let him (he takes meds for his high blood pressure). I'm only 57 and seem to have a few more problems than he does, or at least he thinks so :-) He gives me a hard time about his being the one who's older if I start complaining about the aches and pains.

I think I'd resent my husband if he quit being the font of good humor that he is too. I know I can't make him stop smoking so I don't even try. The doctors and I scared him enough with my asthma that he now only smokes in his self-imposed places "outside" on the porch and up in the extra-smoke cleaner thingy den where my cats' litter boxes are too. I have my laptop here in my living room on a wireless network so I can assess my desktop computer up in the den from here My parents both smoked so I'm not uncomfortable with people smoking. Today he placed an order for more cigarettes with his store (I swear it sounded like someone making a connection with his bookie :-) and I recalled it was before the taxes went up the end of the year that he bought 6 cartons so I pointed that out to him that 6 cartons of cigarettes seemed a bit much for a month and he tried to say it was closer to 2 months and I pointed out it was only the 6th of February and had been just before the new year that he bought the 6 and my considered opinion that he was smoking more from habit instead of stress since he's been retired two years now. He agreed. I pressed my luck and suggested he needs to work on backing off the increase and he mumbled a reply. I take that as victory.

I think we can only take care of our selves. I'm sitting here now with a bag of potato chips open next to me. He bought them last night but I'm the one who's eating them, that's my responsibility. It's much easier when he looks out for me (he just called our health insurance to try to solve a problem with my bill; I get anxious and hate calling people about problems so thanked him and feel I "owe" him) and I look out for him (figure out what fruits and vegetables and other "healthy" food he will eat and make the effort to buy and cook/serve it to him) but if he weren't to "care" about me and my well-being, then I would have to do that myself.

Can you switch from looking at how he drags you down and take care of yourself for your kids? I'm sure you feed them well, can you feed yourself well and do activities with them so you get enough exercise? My daughter-in-law is 36-37 I think and was a "runner" in high school/college and she still tries to run. She and my stepson don't have much money but she splurges on herself by having a gym membership at a good gym with children's classes too that the 3 and 2 year old grandchildren take part in while she's doing her thing in the adult section. They go 2-3 times a week and that helps get her out of the house too.

I think the older person, chronic diseases take a bit of a time to build up. I've got a few of them scaring me but think "I'm only 57" and work from there rather than "borrow" the possible horrors of my future or remembered horrors of my parents' pasts? My father died when he was 80, basically of divertiticulitis. My appendix burst when I was 52 and when I was 53 I had my first colonoscopy and a polyp was found with cancer in it. I know my intestines are going to be one of my weak spots (I have subsequently gotten asthma and my mother's mother died of emphysema and my father had problems there too so I could go that way, also). My husband and I both weigh a great deal (600+ pounds together) and live in a little townhouse and I'm just waiting for one of us to fall down the little townhouse stairs? But I can't live and think that way, can I? I have to stay in the moment.

Right now, I put the potato chips away. My husband has gone upstairs to take a nap like he does most afternoons. I'm worried he has sleep apnea and will mention it to the doctor when we go to him together next month.

Do you use the same doctor as your husband? Do you go to his appointments with him or he with you? I feel better about my husband's health and concerns for mine (I keep his and my medication lists in my wallet in case there is an emergency and I have to tell emergency personnel what meds he takes or he has to tell them what I take) having a common doctor. We don't go to all our appointments together but usually at least one a year and it's a bit like a couples medical counseling thing where we are on common ground with a referree and can ask quesitons about each others' health. It's a little comforting, you might want to try that, tell your husband's doctor (and your husband) about your feelings about his medical issues and how he behaves?

It certainly is hard when we have issues and we're not getting any help from our SO and they have issues too. I would try to switch focus onto just my issues and help him as best I could and leave it at that, not feeling guilty I can't do more or that he disgusts me. My husband did not like the pain of dentists so just let all his teeth fall out and has dentures. But he takes pride in himself otherwise and is responsible and wears his dentures. When he doesn't shave, he doesn't want to kiss me or apologizes because he had a girlfriend in college who broke up with him because he didn't shave one day :-) His manner endears him to me and I see the stubble as "just hair" and a novel experience. But he cares about himself and I guess your husband is having trouble doing that for himself?

I don't know what to tell you, McKell. I know SO's influence each other but I think it is unfair for one to need to do so much. Do you ever talk about these sorts of things between you?