I feel like I am breaking Blondie but I'm too exhausted to do anything different.

She said she found it difficult to not answer the questions I was asking -- I was asking her if she'd ever been stuck in a way that's been my current state of mind and if yes, how did she get out of it.

She gave me generic-ish answers -- yes, and intensive therapy and volunteering (at a nursing home, soup kitchen etc) apparently.

I really just wanted to ask her if she ever felt like she was in a constant state of fragmentation and disintegration and how did she get out of it -- am pretty sure she'll give me some generic stuff for that again.

She believes the way I'm functioning (or really not) right now is by dissociating enough to focus on work or otherwise, chaos reigns.

I told her (fully expecting she'll roll her eyes at the implausibility of it but instead she tagged it as more dissociation) that the reason I believe I stayed conscious and talking through the weird heartbeat episode (to everyone's surprise) is because I was trying my damnedest to meditate using my breath (which was of course out of whack).

So, while she believes all my meditation = dissociation, she's been encouraging me to meditate to deal with current crap.

Sometimes, I think we're stuck on two far-away islands and communicating through morse code that is written in a dead language, vaguely known to only one of us (it's a toss-up as to who).

Otherwise, it's a lovely day here -- I should go for a walk or do some such healthy thing, if I can manage to stop being petrified and paralyzed by the prospect of stepping out of my house.