"You used to make me feel like I could walk on water. Now most nights, I'm just sinking down... and down..."

I keep trying to write out how I feel, if anything to just get it out and maybe offer my crowded mind some release. I can't seem to, though. No matter how hard I try, words just fall short. I've written, deleted and given up on twenty or more posts in the past week.

I had been talking to my friend about some of this stuff but now he's not messaging me back or anything. He hasn't for a couple days. I can see that he's seen the messages (pretty much all of them just saying 'hey' and trying to start a conversation). I don't know what I said or did to upset him, I can't think of anything, if he is upset, that is.

With my friend doing this, and me just opening up to him a little, I can't help but feel like I need to keep my mouth shut. He's going through some stuff and I think I just put more stress on his shoulders. He may need a break from me, I get that. I'd take a break from me too if I could. I opened up to my mom too and she didn't know what to say. No one ever really does. Kinda funny, people don't know what to say over things that are relatively "okay" in comparison to the things I'll never be vocal about. I guess I just feel myself shutting down, again. Like I always do right before things turn "life-threatening".

I'm also going to be living up at my dad's again in a week-ish. Needless to say, I'm pretty nervous (understatement). We've been working on our relationship for a while now and we can finally talk some, right up until we've been in the same room for more than twelve hours and then it parallels how it used to be. With everything in my head going on and the location of my dad's being a huge trigger for me, I don't know if I can do it. I'm considering just finding a shelter or something. It's not that I don't love my dad, and I really appreciate him offering this to me, it's just that house.... So many bad things happened up there. I can go into every room and have a flood of mostly bad memories take over causing me to have a panic attack. Outside of the house is even worse but that's going into one of my worse traumas.