I guess there’s just been so many little things and a couple of big things building up. First, there’s the biggest one: the situation with me going back to medical school. The school psychiatrist is fighting it and making totally unsubstantiated claims and refuses to speak to or listen to my T or anyone on my multidisciplinary treatment team, who are all saying that I’m good to go, and it’s starting to look very likely that the corrupt powers at be might actually keep me out of school again. I was forced on a leave of absence May 2017 for psychiatric issues. I’ve been trying to get back ever since and they keep coming up with more reasons to delay it. They’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not welcome there, but there’s little I can do about anything. I can’t transfer schools, because once you drop out of one US med school, no other will accept you. And now the corrupt people in charge are accusing me of abusing drugs, with no evidence to support it, so they want to make me do supervised urine tests. I have trauma and phobias which make me panic even just thinking of it. T says the only solution is exposure therapy, and I’m terrified.

Now, to support myself in this time where I have lost my financial aid, it was very difficult to get any job that will just hire me, knowing I will leave shortly. So I started driving for Uber and Lyft. That has been great as a source of income. But now my car is falling apart...SO many things all at once. In the last week, I’ve sunk over $500 into fixing my car. On Thursday when my car was at the mechanic, I found out that one part broke as he was replacing the part I needed replaced. A new one was $650, so I found one at a salvage yard somewhat nearby, but I had to get there without a car. I took 4 buses and walked a mile, taking me about 3 hours for what would’ve been a 25 minute drive, because all of my friends and boyfriend were too busy to help me. I got there and then took a 3.5 hour trip back. I took several buses to get to my mechanic the next day, and when I give him the part, it’s the wrong one. He tried to make it work, but now my fuel gauge doesn’t work and my check engine light is on. So now I need to buy more parts and pay for more labor. So basically just a lot of stress and I’m not sure how I’m going to make my income.

I also am not happy at all in my relationship with my boyfriend, but I live with him in a house his dad bought for him. So I have to figure out the appropriate time to break up with him and move out...

I also had to go to the eye doctor and get my eyes poked and prodded (a HUGE anxiety trigger for me, for whatever reason...) 3 times within a week, and they had me thinking I was going to need emergency eye surgery for a full week before they were like “no, actually everything is fine.” And in general, my physical health isn’t doing so well right now. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (have had it since I was 6), and it causes me a lot of pain. I was referred to PT to help my pain, but it has been making everything worse. Then my physical therapist last week decides to tell me that she’s taking away the only part of PT that’s as helping me, that PT won’t help my pain, and that I should “just get a massage if I want pain relief.” Not only do I not have the money for that, the idea of someone I don’t know rubbing me while I’m naked makes me cringe and panic.

And then my student loan people keep calling me 6 times a day trying to collect loan payments that I can’t pay because my loans came out of deferment because I’m not in school right now.

And then, on top of about 1000 other little things, my dog now appears to be sick and I need to take her to the vet. More money. Yay.

And overall, I have no appetite anymore (the only thing my body ever actually wants to consume is sweets, actually...no real food) and I’m not sleeping well at all. Which I know is a lot my fault, and I also know it definitely is majorly affecting my mood.

Sorry I just whined about my whole life here for a bit. It’s just so many things at once, and it feels like every time I put out one fire, about 7 other fires show up. I feel like I can’t win at all in life. T knows most of this, other than the things that have happened since our last session, and she’s trying to help me manage everything, but I just think a normal person would be going crazy with all of this ****, let alone me and all of my mental illnesses. I’ve been taking so, so many huge steps backwards lately, and I’m regressing to a lot of my old BPD behaviors. I recognize it and know I need to stop, but I’m having such a hard time regulating my emotions and behaviors right now. Cutting seems like the only solution/release.