This is my first post on this site. I’m desperate. I’m a 29 year old woman and I’ve beeb suffering from debilitating depression and anxiety since I as 8 years old. I hid my illness from my family until I was in high school and I started seeing a therapist in college. I want so badly to get better and I just am not.

I don’t even know where to begin with my story. I thought if I worked hard it would mean things would work out but they haven’t. I won’t get into my childhood except I was riddled with depression and anxiety and was bullied by my peers up through high school. I got good grades in school and put on a faceso no one knew how bad I was suffering.

I went to college for graphic design because my dream my whole life was to work in fashion magazines. I dreamt of proving wrong my peers who told me I’d never amount to anything. (Ugh now I’m starting to cry) I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease the summer before freshman year of college and was put on prednisone. I wasn’t getting treatment for my anxiety and depression at the time and I didn’t know prednisone could make anxiety worse. I had panic attacks over my assignments and felt I couldn’t handle it so I switched my major to illustration, which was less pressure. I interned at a food magazine in NYC one summer and lived it.

After graduation I worked in retail and saved up my money so I could live anfvunteer in Lima, Peru for three months. Those were the happiest months of my life. I would still cry in the shower from time to time but I was so devoted to what I was doing.

I came back and couldn’t get a job in fashion so I thought about things and realized working with the kids in Peru was what really fulfilled me. I decided to go back to school to get my masters in teaching. This is when **** really hit the fan, so to speak. I pushed through the program in a year when it was recommended you do it in a year and a half to two years. I graduated with a 4.0 and worked when I wasn’t taking classes. During my internship I broke down literally everyday.

I dropped two pant sizes because the anxiety caused my dog s to act up. My therapist didn’t know what to do with me so she recommended I go to an outpatient program at a psych hospital. It was focused on DBT skills. My one claim to fame is that I made the social worker running the program cry because she could tell how desperately I wanted to get better. I’ve also made my therapist cry, so hey, at least I’m good at one thing.

I tried but didn’t get a job after grad school so I substitute taught and cried (I’m a big crier) I finally got a gig long term subbing for a teacher going on maternity leave at my dream school. And... I freaked out everyday. My desire to be perfect at everything caused me to break down daily in tears. Needless to say I wasn’t hired as a teacher at that school. So I went back to subbing and crying y til last year when I finally got a job teaching second grade at a privates school.

My current fiancé and I had waited eight years to get engaged because i wanted to have a job when he proposed. I poured my heart and soul into that job and tried SO hard. A couple weeks after winter break I found out the school was closing permanently. Also after winter break I started getting sick to my stomach from anxiety every Sunday and I would break down every night. I had amazing kids, amazing coworkers. I was finally working and I just lost it. This past summer my therapist recommended I go for round 2 of outpatient therapy at a pysch hospital. She also said she didn’t think she could do anything more for me and I should find another therapist... that was scary to hear. I suffered panic attacks, insomnia, and my Crohn’s acted up that summer because I was so upset that i was unemployed again.

I decided I needed to become a paraprofessional (that’s where you work one on one with kids with special needs and get paid next to nothing) and I got a job as one for this year. But then I was offered a job teaching first grade at another private school. My parents and fiancée said I should take the job even though I thought it was a bad idea given my track record but I listened to them and took the teaching job. Within the first week I could feel myself getting suicidal again. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I decided to listen to myself for I once and I gave my letter of recognition. Fast forward to now and I am a paraprofessional in preschool.

The point of this long winded story is I.am.still.so.depressed.and.anxious. I have a great therapist I see every week. I also go to group therapy once a week. I have tried every pill there is, I was on a dangerous level of Klonopin for awhile and still riddled with anxiety. I am so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t handle teaching and feel like SUCH a failure. I just want to sleep forever. I feel like I didn’t keep myself alive since I was 8 just so I could become this pathetic, blubbering mess that I am (can you sense the self hate?)

I’ve looked into ECT but really feel uncomfortable with it. I’m waiting to hear back from my insurance about whether TMS is covered. I meditate regularly, I am devoted to practicing DBT. I don’t know what else to do. I am in agony regularly. I have a supportive, loving family and fiancée. I don’t think its acceptable that doing the bare minimum and just surviving is an accomplishment for me.

I guess I’m here because I feel like I’m going to explode with sorrow and I don’t know if anyone will read this story, but does this sound familiar to anyone? Have you been here and found hope? I have none. I feel like my brain is permanently infected with illness and this is all I’ll ever be. Anybody hate themselves their whole lives and learn to love themselves? Anybody?
Ugh this is so long.