it is very normal to feel so lost hon. I am very sorry you are going thru this. my mom passed 14 yrs ago with cancer and I can tell you before she died I prayed that God go ahead and take her then I felt guilty when she went. It does sound like the end is very near and my heart is with you during this rough time in your life. I did not have a good relationship with my mom. if you have anything to say to her say it now even though you think she can't hear you I am sure she probably can. please take care of yourself. you do not have to be the strong one either. been there done that and it stinks. lean on whomever is there for you.