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Originally Posted by Travelinglady
Well, it is reasonable to expect intercourse to last longer than three to five minutes. And, yes, bisexuals can have orgasms with a partner, and I don't think it should be more difficult. I tried on two questions, anyway!
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Longer than three to five minutes? I've seen conflicting reports of 7 minutes being average and less than that (I think 5 minutes?) also as average. I would make myself be happy with even 1 minute. 30 seconds is hard to be satisfied by and less than that just makes it difficult to act like everything is okay. And ejaculation before penetration? I guess one could laugh it off, but it gets hard if that's more of the norm. But 3-5? That may technically still be below average but I'm pretty sure I could be satisfied with that. It's too bad it's an impossibly long amount of time. It feels incredibly unreasonable to expect that.
And the bisexual thing...I had heard it but wasn't sure how true it was. It makes sense to me because if you're bisexual you're automatically set up to always be unsatisfied (sex is ALWAYS missing something). But maybe there's just something wrong with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PerryJeffJoeJimBob
I have been working with a certified sex therapist and a surrogate partner because of intimacy and issues touching women. Many sessions at the beginning involved touching and feeling, but not of the others bodies. Then touching of bodies was slowly introduced and progressed in following sesons. Now we have introduced intercourse. I may not orgasm during intercourse yet, but I can in other ways. And I have learned to give my partner orgasms every session, and this was very important to me. My therapist calls it "She always cums first."
The process we used was called "Sensate Focus." The slow buildup of the process is to foster a sexual energy but denied initially. This helped me to overcome arousal and desire difficulties.
I think this process might benefit you. Google "Sensate Focus" and look it over. It can be dofficult to find a good discussion on how to do it. If you can't find it let me know and I will track down the instructions.
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Your post is very difficult to read. The more I think about it, the more emotional pain I feel. I really personally despise the "she cums first" philosophy because it puts unnecessary pressure and shame on the woman. What's wrong with whoever cums first, cums first? It's not my fault I have genitals that have an inferior sexual response. I don't have a penis and I can never have a penis (a real functioning one anyway) so let's stop rubbing it in. Let's stop making me (and all other women) feel bad that I can't get off in 5 minutes or less. Let's stop making me feel bad that I can't get off from literally anything he does like he can from me. If I have to cum first, then I feel so much pressure to do so. I don't want to ruin his sex life with my sexual response (or lack thereof).
So, let me get this straight, you're able to give a surrogate partner an orgasm every time? I have a hard time believing you as I don't see how that would be possible. And if it is...you know, I didn't think I could feel any worse about myself and the sex I was forced to be. Now I do. This shows that I'd be better off just having sex with random people as apparently, it's only possible to have an orgasm with someone who doesn't love you. My partner was able to give everyone else an orgasm and he didn't love any of them.
And he wonders why I separate sex and love. Obviously, they can't coexist. So I guess I'll have to choose. Or just come to terms with having inferior sex organs (from a response time/effort standpoint) and just give up on sex ever being anything I want or hope it would be.
And I'm attracted to men, but before I even had sex with one, I had issues with the idea of the one sex act that actually is supposed to give me an orgasm. I have always believed that oral sex should be between two women and a man going down on a woman was just, I don't know, didn't seem right? I let him do it, but I can't for the life of me figure out how anyone would ever orgasm from it. And since that's the only thing statistically that a woman can orgasm from consistently (other than masturbation), I guess I don't get orgasms outside of masturbation. Yay, me!
And on to address Sensate Focus...are the parts with touch without genital touch supposed to be pleasurable? There's not a lot of ways I like being touched. I was allergic to touch as a child and it's not normalized for me. As in, I didn't grow up with touch being attached to love because I was rarely if ever touched. They couldn't as it would cause me to get welts. I associate touch with fear, pain, and sensory overload. I didn't really allow touch until I was in this relationship and the only touches that consistently feel good are not sexual. It took years just to find those and it doesn't even include holding hands. But I hold his hand whenever he wants whether I feel okay doing it or not. I can't imagine anyone can understand.
Maybe if we could see each other daily and could start really simple it would become comfortable, but seeing as I can rarely be with him in person, it's just starting over every time.