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Apr 30, 2018, 01:02 AM
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Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: Ontario Land
Posts: 3,592
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Quote:
Originally Posted by magicalprince
Yeah... it's not solely the forced termination itself that creates the harm. It's the constant lingering fear, while the therapy is still ongoing, that that termination could be coming at any time and I somehow have to control and change my behavior in order to please the therapist so that they will not terminate me. My self-expression is only valid as long as it mirrors what the therapist expects me to express. This is the fear we grew up with and also the last thing we want to be true.
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The termination didn't scare me much. What terrified me was not being heard. I really needed someone to hear and not judge me. The only time I felt heard was whenever I resorted to acting exactly how the therapist/psychiatrist expected me to, even though it wasn't what I was feeling at all. I hated doing this, because it went against everything I believed in. I remember feeling awful and guilty about it a lot. Sometimes I wondered if I had Munchausen syndrome, because of what I was doing and saying (I know this contributed to my horrific ordeal with misdiagnosis).
When I was in hospital I learned that SI was the way to get heard. Now I am living with the scars because I experimented with it when I was a teenager. I cannot forgive myself for this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magicalprince
And then being in that position, and having it finally happen... at that point, the termination is just serving as proof of what was there all along. It sends the message to the client that "you were only valid as long as you didn't say this thing, or didn't express that feeling." And this is in an environment that is set up to explicitly favor the beliefs of the therapist over the beliefs of the client. That's why it can be so harmful, not just a reminder of childhood traumas, but a unique subsequent trauma itself.
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I remember feeling this as well. It screwed me up. I longed to be real with them and around others outside of my family, but all I got was grief, because I was quirky and challenging. Back then all I really did in sessions was contest my diagnosis and lie about symptoms I didn't even have. I was obsessed with my diagnosis and I talked about it constantly.
Before I entered this industry I didn't feel like this. Nor was I a liar. Everything I believed in and stood for got lost in the mess. Apparently it wasn't okay to be a bit different. My flawed personality needed an overhaul so I could conform to society and be and feel like the majority.
Therapy can really screw a person up.
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Dx: Didgee Disorder
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