I don't know what to say other than I wish you wouldn't but respect if this is what you need to do.

I don't think you are a heavyset beast (my rephrase ) and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

You are trying to change using this coping mechanism, correct? If so from everything I've read on SI (and that isn't all that much) says that it takes time to replace out the behaviour and learn what is underneath it.

I believe you can get through this. If I can handle this current s*itball that life has thrown me then I hope that you can find ways to keep distracting yourself from SI.

Kindly and with hope for you,