i guess im just venting to the world. i dont have any one real to talk to so i will talk to my computer screen with this post.....
it was a up day. i dont know what to think of it all. except that im tired of it. ......just exhausted, sleep deprived and in a wierd state right now. thought i was hypomanic today, well i was, maybe mixed?! but now im tired and only ate one meal today so im out of it. not really depressed, just wondering if it all has to continue. and it does. im here... there isnt a way out. cuz there are things that i cannot resort to if the desperation gets bad. it took such an enormous amount of energy to pretend to be normal today. i had dinner with family so there was a need to act sane. unfortunately i starting talking about something and my little brother asked me if i was in my right mind. im so afraid he noticed i am losing it. i can not ever let that happen again so i decided not to see them until the next holiday. i tried to play it off like the story i was telling was a joke, but it was so hard to fake it today. and now im so drained from that. and everytime i open my mouth to speak something really ridiculous comes out. my mind is not previewing it before i speak, so i decided not to talk to anyone when i feel like this. it sucks. and i dont know what to do. i know if there werent people in this world who needed me, then i would be done with it.