I never feel worthy. I am afraid of failure. I am convinced someone is going to screw me over, etc.

So I have become a hyperivigilant consummate planner. I try to never have my back exposed persay; and, the best way to do that is careful planning.

Sound familiar?

I become obsessed with planning, even rehearsing difficult conversations and trying to account for every possible ramification of every possible outcome.

This isn't so great. As you can imagine it actually often leads to the very disasters I try to avoid as the more I plan the bigger the opportunity there is for something to go wrong. I look at people wondering how they might let me down. How could they screw me over. Will they laugh and find me unworthy. The anxiety grows by leaps and bounds.

I suppose it is about trying to find the control in my life that had been taken from me. It is about the little girl trying to avoid the bullies and tormentors.