T today. Went back and sat down. I commented on the particularly dramatic classical piece that had been playing in waiting room. He apologized, I said was OK, just made for dramatic entrance. He said how another clinician had taken over music, he'd meant to do something else with it. Then he jumped up, saying, "Thanks for reminding me!" He went over to a plant and pulled out a stick with a label, saying, "I've been meaning to get rid of this gross thing!" Me: "Great, so I remind you of a gross thing in a plant?!?" T: "No, was just in my head for general maintenance like the music." Me: "Oh, OK."

Said I wanted to share something that happened over weekend with H, but first, back story. How Thursday was our 10th anniversary, and the band whose song we'd used for our first dance just happened to be playing not far from our wedding venue Friday night. So H and I went to see them. T asked if they played the song, and I said they did. I said it wasn't really a traditional love song and shared a few lines from it. T said it sounded sweet. And how the concert was an experience we shared that we'd remember forever. I agreed. He confirmed that the day they played was our anniversary, and I said the day after, so 10 years and a day. He said, "That's even more meaningful, it means you've lasted over 10 years!" I laughed.

I said I was also going to a concert tonight. T said, "You really love going to those, don't you?" Me: "Yes, but it just happened that a couple of my favorite bands were playing in the area within a few days of each other." I said I wouldn't have expected him to have heard of the band we saw Friday, but maybe he'd heard of the one I'm seeing tonight. He said no, then referred to them later as, "the [one word in their name] People," which made me laugh. He asked if I was worried about my hearing with all the concerts. I said that I'd had tinnitus for 25 years, so...He said by the time I needed a hearing aid, they'd probably be really advanced (I think T sometimes forgets I'm only 7 years younger than him...)

I said how on the way to the concert Friday, H and I had...I wasn't sure if "fight" was the right word. But there were raised voices. I was starting to explain how we were dropping our D off in a parking lot where his mom was getting physical therapy, how it was in the same lot as a certain restaurant that I didn't like. T was saying he isn't really a fan either, so we discussed that a minute. Then I was trying to explain how I was driving us around a corner but went the wrong way. As I said that, I gestured with my arm, hitting my slightly unscrewed bottle of fizzy water and sending it flying. It landed on the floor and leaked a bit into a puddle. I was red with embarrassment and laughing, as T said, "That was impressive!" I grabbed some tissues and started dabbing at is, as T said, "Don't worry about it, it's just water." I said OK, carried tissues with me, and said, "Remind me not to use these."

Then I did my best to carry on with what I'd been saying. Explained how we were leaving from dropping off D, I’d made a wrong turn, H informed me, I apologized and in trying to correct it, I hit a curb and was like, “I’m sorry!” To which H yelled, “Just ****ing drive the car!!!” Which made me start to cry, as I said, “don’t yell at me, that doesn’t help. Can’t you just be nice to me?”

T asked what happened then, if H apologized. I said no, he didn’t then or later. That we just ride in silence for a while. T asked how long, saying even 5 minutes can seem like a long time in a car. I said longer than that. How part of me wanted to just be like, “forget it, we’re going home.” But that I pushed through that part. T asked what that meant. I said pushing that part away and telling myself we could still have good evening, which we ultimately did.

I said how it probably sounded like such a stupid thing, not even a fight really. T said how often many fights in a marriage might seem silly if you look at them separately. But they’re often part of a pattern. I said yes? And that was an issue with MC, how he tended not to consider the patterns, to just say we got through it.

T referenced H’s “anger issues,” saying how when people have those it feels like they can’t control their outbursts. But they can-it’s just difficult. He gave analogy of boiling water—boils at 212 F. If someone is already up at 180 degrees, something seemingly small can push them over the edge. He said it’s similar to anxiety in that way.

I clarified whether he was comparing H’s anger to my anxiety. I said I feel like with my anxiety, if I hit that level it’s more turned inward. Whereas H’s anger goes outward. T said I fo tend to over apologize when anxious, right? Like as a way to lessen anxiety. I said yes, to look for reassurance. He said how in general though, I tend more toward flight or freeze while H goes for fight. I agreed.

I asked how to deal with it. T said one way is to be aware of how I’m feeling, when the level is getting higher for me. And then take steps to reduce it, like deep breaths, etc. I asked what I could do regarding H’s anger. He said can help to be aware if he’s escalating. I asked if I should let him know if I sense he is. T said he couldn’t answer that without H sitting in front of him. That it could make him escalate more. He said if I were to talk to him about it, I’d want to handle it with finesse. To give some thought to how I’d bring it up.

I said how it’s also hard when H yells at D, especially when he’s cursing at her. I gave recent example. T said if that happens, H needs to “make it tight” with D, like apologizing. I said I wasn’t sure how to handle it with them, how my instinct is to jump in and protect her. T said that could potentially upset H more, if it seems I’m undermining him. I agreed. So we didn’t yet come up with way to handle that.

I said I wished MC had helped more with this issue. How he just seemed to think H’s expressions of anger were fine, and it was just me overreacting. T said, in a snarky tone, “yeah like punching things is OK” (referring to MC saying he’d also punched a wall when H did and it really upset me). I said I wished H would see different marriage counselor but he’s not willing right now. T said maybe in time. I asked if any benefit to briniging him in for session or two, and T said he didn’t know and “life is long” (not sure what he meant by that).

He stood up, saying, "I'm going to turn the AC a degree colder. I shouldn't have worn a long-sleeve black shirt when it's warm out." I said, "Well, it was kinda cold his morning." He said he still should have known better, sitting down and rolling up his sleeves. It was odd because I wasn’t warm (though was in short sleeves), and I tend to be sensitive to heat in general.

Nearly out of time. I asked for more suggestions on handling H’s anger. How I’d he can’t control himself when he’s in that state...T corrected me that he CAN control himself—it just might take a lot of effort. That he is responsible for what he says and does and he should be able to control his behavior. Which made me feel more validated.

Scheduled. T said he wanted to make sure that the twice weekly was still working for me. That I could keep coming twice a week as long as I wanted, he just wanted to make sure it was helpful. I said it was, how I feel like if we ended up just talking about random stuff every other session, wouldn't make sense. He agreed and said he hadn't thought it had been like that. I said no. That I probably wouldn't want to go forever like this, how maybe at some point I'd try to do twice a week every other week, if that made sense. He said, "Whatever would be helpful to you."

Stood up to pay. T: Remember not to use those tissues! Me: Right, thanks! I put them in trash can and joked about wet spot on floor. Went over and paid. We shook hands as he said, "I'll see you Thursday?" I said I'd see him then. Then he said, "Oh, and have fun at the concert--that's tonight, right?" I said yes, thanks. And for him to have a good one.