Welcome to PsychCentral!  I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.  I'm afraid there isn't a lot I can suggest with regard to your concerns. There is a mental health condition that is referred to as "existential depression". Perhaps this is similar to what you are struggling with. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is...al-depression/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...al-depression/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/nlp/2...ial-questions/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/existe...human-anxiety/
https://psychcentral.com/news/2016/1...es/113518.html
https://pro.psychcentral.com/existen...-introduction/
My best wishes to you... 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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