bean, I think you need to say to your T what you *really* mean. I know that you experienced some anger and frustration, and that's mostly what you expressed to T... but I think you did the opposite of what you, in your heart of hearts, *really* want. I think that deep down what you really want is to go to therapy and connect with your T. Sometimes when we're hurting we do the opposite of what we really want, because we're scared. I've been there many times. And unfortunately, sometimes when we're hurting, we want to put all the responsibility for connecting onto our Ts. If they didn't put that responsibility back on us, though, we would never grow. A good T will understand where you're coming from, but will find ways to encourage you to stretch and grow just a little at a time beyond what's comfortable... until you've learned to have a healthy relationship.

It seems like you're wanting T to read your mind, and/or anticipate your thoughts, feelings and needs and know how to meet them. I'd wager a guess that this is coming from an early developmental issue for you. When we are babies, that's what our caregivers are supposed to do- because we can't speak, and we can't adequately communicate our every need. We just cry, or get angry, or whatever, until mom or dad comes and rescues us from our distress. I've gone through many, many, many times in my therapy when I wanted T to rescue me in a similar way. I just wanted her to KNOW what I wanted and needed, and I wanted her to WANT to meet that need. I didn't want to have to ask, and I felt like if I had to ask then she didn't care for real. Now I know it doesn't work that way. I tell my T, to the best of my ability, what I need from her. She meets that need as much as she is *able* to, and as much as she feels is *good* and *growth-promoting* for me... and no more.

There isn't anything *wrong* with what you said to T, or how you've reacted, so please don't read that into what I'm saying. It's just where you were at emotionally and that's neither good nor bad in my opinion... but you may be more successful in getting what you want if you try a different approach.

If it were me, I would make an appointment and show up. I would tell my T that I wrote that email out of pain, and that I didn't show up today because I was scared. I would tell her that I long to be close to her, and am afraid she doesn't care about being close to me, so I push her away to protect myself... and that I had wished she would've called me even though I cancelled that appointment, because what I really wanted was to reconnect and be soothed. Then, in the future I'd work really hard (hopefully with T's help and support) at recognizing when I'm in that loop... and asking very directly for what I want in the first place instead of hoping she'll guess. And I'd make an effort not to push T away when I feel vulnerable.

I hope this helps. Believe me, I SOOO know how hard this is!!! Take what resonates for you. Whatever doesn't work for you, that's ok too. Be true to your heart, and be brave!!