Hi Smitkit. Sorry you are suffering the effects of a difficult childhood. There are so many like you that are suffering in silence. Glad you are sharing.

There are some articles that you may find helpful
https://psychcentral.com/lib/healing...-to-recover-2/

https://answers.psychcentral.com/sto...-memories-emdr

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narci...n-and-emperor/

hope you get the support you are looking for.