I have a health worry. So we talked about that. There's not much he can say really but I told him anyway. He said I have been sensible in going to the docs and he's glad I haven't been fobbed off and they're doing tests. He also said that even if blood comes back okay I can still pursue it and ask for more conclusive tests. I appreciated that because it's easy to feel disempowered when dealing with doctors.
I brought up a few sessions ago when he frustrated me by being quiet and not engaging when I wanted to talk about a professional issue.
We hashed it out a bit and I said I realised that it wasn't me wanting him to be my supervisor that got in the way, it was that there were feelings attached to what I was saying and he didn't engage with the feelings like he would have done with any other subject.
He said he was conscious of thinking "stay in therapy mode". I said "you didn't manage that very well or we would have gone to the feelings". He said true.
I said it made me realise how I bring narrative and if it feels safe enough I turn to feelings. That's what I did with the health stuff at the start of this session, and that's what I had done with the professional stuff but he hadn't responded well so I didn't get to the feelings.
He said something about bringing that sense into the room and I said it's tough because it's so deeply unconscious at the time, I had only realised why I was upset about it on the drive home.
He said it's useful to make note of this stuff as it comes up. I told him I write every week about the session and I read him last week's In Session Today post.
I told him that reminds me I hadn't told him at the time that I imagined him looking out for me when I was a kid, if he had been there. But I said i probably wouldn't have appreciated it. I talked a little about how social services had been called on my mum for the conditions I was living in with her and when the social worker came i just lied till they went away. I didn't want to be protected because I felt like I wanted to protect my mum. We talked more about all that.
Time was up. We hugged. I felt flat about the whole session and the hug felt a bit flat too. I just felt a bit deflated and down. Don't really miss him yet, weirdly.