There really isn't anything that anyone can say for comforting me.....

I pray... that this post does not hurt any of you.....so please use extreme caution about reading it....

it is about... the legacy that abuse leaves for future generations....

you may disagree.... this is just a post meant to express my extreme sadness... not a debate... not meant to hurt anyone... just for me... so I do not binge/purge... so that some of the pain can leave my body and soul...















I learned something of great importantance to me yesterday... my heart... is broken... and there isn't anything that I can really "do"....

I went to the body memory T... and out of it learned that I am not "unloveable".... my childhood... and 12 years of marriage to a highly abusive man.. that used to tell me I was "unloveable"...
well the knowledge I was unloveable became sub-consious....

And... I found yesterday.... that I am loveable....a good thing.. yes..

Ultimately, one of the sadest moments in my life....

I raised my son... divorced my husband... right away...during pregnancy... and entered couseling...

You see... I wanted to be the best mom that I could... I wanted my son to have what I did not have.. love.. support.. kindness.. stability...
I promised myself.. that each and every day.. I would get up and do the very best that I could.. and I did.. I stayed in couseling... my son was never in danger of physical or sexual abuse from me....

but I wanted to learn how to be strong for him.. to learn what he needed so I could provide... my son was truely raised by a village of people.. that I got into his life... families...that patterned... mom/dad behavior... friends that became his siblings...

For years, I put the "all of myself" into raising my son.... my energy.. because I wanted this so much...

I have always felt.. that I have a brand on my forehead... that says "unloveable"... invisible to me... visible to all others...

So... now my son.. is an adult...

The legacy.... continues....

I taught my son... that I am "unloveable".... yes.. I did...

So... all of my trying... all of the energy... everything I tried...

He is still impacted by the "abuse" the physical and sexual abuse that I suffered.... I was not able to totally erraticate... the multi-generational abuse... in my family....

I pray.... that for his life.... that I did give him enough that he will get farther ..... that as each future generation gones on... the impact of the abuse will eventually.... fade.................out......

You see.................... I taught my son that I am "unloveable"...

And... because of this...... because of my abusers... I have loss in my life once again... the loss of my son's love.... because.. I taught him.. I am unloveable...

The losses.. just continue......my abusers untlimately "won"... yes they did....