Hi all,

I haven't posted in a while...I just really feel I need some advice on this issue.

My T is retiring. I have been with her 10 years. She moved away from where I live about 3 years ago, but I still continued to make the 3 hour round trip to see her. Not with a regular appointment, just when I could get there and she had time. we have had a somewhat close relationship as therapist and client over this time, for example I am the only client to have her home and mobile numbers and access to email 24/7 to which she always responds. She has been there through several crises at the other end of the phone.

She is now retiring but offered to still see me and be there for me and support me. At first this sounded amazing, everything I always hoped would happen. But as time has gone on, I have been freaking out about how this is all going to work and not coping with the ambiguity. And the more I ask T about it, the more I feel she is doubting about it and wishing she had never said it as she can't give me any certainties (she said she will be travelling alot). She says she doesn't want to abandon me (I have BPD and am very attached to her like a mother figure) and knows how vulnerable I am. Today T said she wants to find me a new local therapist. I told her I didn't want that and didn't need a therapist on a regular basis. She said "so it's me you want?". I felt so ashamed. She asked me what I need her for if I don't need a therapist. I mumbled something and then said I didn't want to talk about it, couldn't cope and left.

I don't know what to do. i feel I should just stop therapy now. I don't want T to see me out of pity. She has told me previously that I am like a daughter to her but now all I hear is how I am vulnerable and need her support. I had hoped she would miss me and like to stay in touch too, but I'm not feeling that from her side.

I am devastated by the thought of not seeing her but at the same time feel ashamed of being so needy that I want to walk away with some pride and with her still having some respect for me.

Any thoughts, experiences, anything at all would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you xx