that says everything..

T threw me for a loop.. raised the bar.. i don't think the middle of a crisis situation is the time for bar raising.. but what do i know? He said he'd be there for me during the coming weeks as the crisis gains momentum. There isn't anything i can do to stop it coming, all i can hope for is to manage better. But he said he would.. and then he wasn't.. i called and he called back, so physically he was there.. but he wasn't there . He didn't want to say supportive things.. felt i needed to learn to do those things for myself. um... wtf?

what does he mean by "being there?" i am so lost. i don't know what is ok to ask for now. And honestly, i could really give a flying rat's *** about growth and learning right this second. My goal over the next couple of weeks is to stay alive.. still be breathing and sane... my goal is to keep my head above water, not do %#@&#! water ballet.

so what does he mean by being there is he doesn't mean he is willing to offer supportive statements? anyone?

i am so confused. So lost.. and i was feeling that way before i even called him.. now i am just like a zombie or something..

i tired to tell him that i have been clinging to this ledge on a highrise and the building is on fire.. the ledge will crumble and be gone soon.. i have to leap or fall, either way something has to happen... and i need to know i can count on him to help me grab that ladder that is just out of reach. It's a long way down if i fall.

is it wrong right now for me to ask him if he is going to be there for me? Is it wrong that i am afraid he might abandon me during this?

i just don't know anymore. i am facing the biggest thing so far in my career and there's a lot of pressure, i have all the usual medical stuff (pain and stuff) and i have this developing major life crisis. Is now really the time for me to be trying to learn new skills? Is it not reasonable for me to need some stasis right now?

so confused. in so much turmoil and pain.