Today is worse than last night, I cannot calm down and I can't stop the terror attaching itself to any unwanted thought that comes into my head. I took my meds, I ate, I even drove to the ocean and stuck my feet in the water and sand and dammit nothing helps. I hate days like this----and my vehicle is acting up (again---& again) so I'm driving on a couple of cylinders and can't go to the mechanic again till next week ($)---I want to email my summer job (same as last year and I loved it) and beg off...I want to find a cheap vehicle and drive away and never return...just leave everything as is....I know camping and hiking helps but it isn't possible right now I just don't feel like I have the stamina for this anymore I am getting old and this &etal has dogged my life at every turn---and I don't want to bother my (fine grown thankfully) children because there isn't anything they can do, I feel isolated, can't think of a friend, can't think of anything, turn on youtube, netflix turn it off again, do the dishes, feed the cat, put out the garbage feel like screaming, no place to scream.....bought wine and ate a burger---I am not much of a drinker at all but I thought what the f# I have to do something & it is either eat my anxiolytics or have enough to drink that I am ok with just sitting staring at some stupid somethingorother......ranting....oh ****, not a good time....(& yesterday I had my glowing physical---healthy elder---screaming inside....dark thoughts....just want OUT.
Maybe ranting will help....maybe it will make me feel worse.....