In session today, my T and I worked on talking about a high stress topic in chunks, making sure no one else was figuratively in the room for me or for him. It was elating, we communicated so well. Lately, I have been working on being vulnerable, and doing things T's way, trusting him with the wisdom to guide us. He is never going to be a warm, fuzzy T who texts with me or embraces Therachat. I am never going to know his worldview on many things, or why he hung that specific artist in the waiting room or the way he thinks about the people walking on the streets below his fourth floor window . He seems to help me organize my mind, and slowly learn to protect myself from a scary situation, and I often feel connected to him and that he thinks deeply about what we are both saying within the session. So it is accepting that, that I am on my own all the rest of the time, and figuring out why that hurts when I have a sensitive BF and a busy job, great dogs etc. It seems like I have separation anxiety from T at times, and like no one else will do in terms of feeling basic safety or even the feeling of wanting to live and not escape nightmares any way, any way at all . Whatever I might say or do or think or feel about that, T is out of the game. He just is all about sesssion time, and doesn't see his responsibilities as exceeding that, and he has reverence for sessions. It is like the Rolling Stones song I am pretty sure I get what I need, but never ever get that I want