I found out today that I didn't get the job I interviewed for. It's hard not to take it ridiculously personally. My logical mind doesn't understand why I'm crying over it. It's not like it was a position that's even in my chosen career path (I am currently a 29 year old college student). Although I think it would have suited me well, it's not some huge loss. I guess I just really don't have much experience with rejection, and it's hard to learn how to cope with it at this age. The only other two jobs I had were handed to me - one because I was a kid and my mom was friends with the boss, and one, I'd like to think, at least partly based on my own merits. I certainly didn't have to interview for them or compete directly against other candidates.

I feel so childish not being able to handle that someone else was better than me. I've struggled for a long time, since my late teens probably, ever since I started to have a certain self-awareness of my limitations and utter averageness, to understand the lurking dissonance caused by the mixed messages received from my parents and from the world. My parents, while often abusive in different ways, also led me to believe I was special and extraordinary. Ironically, in this way, I am not special or extraordinary at all! Anyway, that combined with my stunted life in terms of social, career, etc. aspects has made it even harder for me to face reality. I have a combination of self-doubt and grandiosity that is truly illogical.

I wish I didn't understand myself, but I do, and I hate what I see.