I can relate to what you've expressed here...for years I tried to "square up" my own personal beliefs with the bible. I believe that what I went thru was based in my own need to have life "dance to my tune" or from a biblical perspective, be my own god (which I can tell you does'nt work) of course you are on your own journey, ask God to show himself to you...prayer is a conversation with God, who loves you and more than anything wants to have a deep relationship with you. as we die to ourselves, we learn to live in Christ! of course, the self will fight you all the way...